Addiction Is Addiction

It doesn't seem to matter what you are addicted too, the results all end the same. Some things like Crystal Meth and Crack seem to drag people down faster then coffee or a Double Chocolate Chip Crème Frappuccino but anything that causes problems in your life is a problem, right?

F' that. If you think coffee is an issue try waking up in jail with stains on your shorts and some drunken Pill Poppin Black out fadin off being told your arrested for tryin To stab someone.
You people addicted to some crispy creamy donut, whatever - have you ever crept into an open window and stolen some purse for one while people laid sleeping only to have lights come on and some big ass Guy come down the stairs so you hightail it to the door for escape, forgetting you came in the window and the door is latched and bolted shut and you get the door open as the hand grabs your shoulder but thankfully the leather jacket you have on is so tight that he has nothing to grip and you Bail out and dont look back and jump fences and dodge through back yards and avoid traffic to get back home hoping they dont send the dogs on your trail.

Gamblers, on the other hand, your chasing the big dream. The one in a million shot. The roll where all your luck changes and your made for life. I know the feeling, I chased it to, I also chased the ultimate high. The perfect buzz where if I could just get the high right, coming down would be a breeze.

I don't want to knock people with problems, be it whatever, but for you to drop the word addiction is like me complaining my legs hurt to an amputee.
So shut the f'up and have a nice day.

The Dopeless Hope fiend and another useless ramble because its my blog and I can :)

thedopelesshopefiend for those who google it

Drug Rehabs and Recovery

I am not a huge fan of rehabs or controlled environments. For me, getting clean meant getting dirty. 12 step groups, lot of meetings, lot of talking, coffees and fellowship in the real world is what it took for me. I know, some people need Rehab and drug counselors to help deal with mental and emotional issues and I am sure it helps a lot of people get a start but rehab is not recovery. Recovering from active addiction is a life long process and it needs to be embraced with some passion. I know, if we put 1/10th of the energy and passion into staying clean, as we did into using and finding means and ways to use, we will have a successful recovery.

The 12 steps can really be broken down into three stages. Trust God, clean house, help others. It really is that simple, we don't pick up for one is too many and a thousand is never enough.

If you have a drug problem and feel as if it is hopeless, hang on for one more day for the miracle you need may be a moment away. Wherever you are in your life right now, this too shall pass and the future is unwritten. There is a freedom and a life that is greater then what you are able to imagine. Just hang on, seek some help, find a 12 step meeting, get a meeting list and make meetings the most important thing in your life for today. Do this for one day and one day only.
Build relationships with other recovering addicts for there is therapeutically value in one addict sharing with another. The I've been there and done it club, we know what it's like and yes, your insane but it's OK. I'm still crazy but I am able to live in the real world, and Enjoy my life.
I have peace, and I have a goodness that is a part of me. I have a meaning again and a purpose and my days are too short, and the time goes fast.
The long nights of hopeless desperation are long gone. I never thought I would be here but I am, one day at a time for a decade and each day clean was a reward and brought more and more back into my life and my heart.

Rehab, may give you a head start, but staying clean of meth, crack,smack, whatever your poison was, requires more then rehab. It requires a recovery and a walk. I guarantee, if you go to meeting, get involved and work the steps, your life will get better, if not, your misery is totally refundable with interest.

If you need help, you can email me at thereisagodanditsnotme@gmail.com

Peace
The Dopeless Hope Fiend

Laying Low

The last few days have been a mind screw. I have dreams and ambitions but I don't feel like running all the bases to make a home run it seems. I wait for the perfect pitch so I can release the perfect swing...it never comes.

Somedays, you just gotta swing and takes the strikes, take the walks, take the fouls and if you do connect, and hit one out of the park, take it with grace.

I know us addicts want an easier softer way, but there is none. You have to step up to the plate day in and day out.

Just for today, I will swing the bat with all I got. I will keep my eye on the ball and focus on each pitch that comes my way. I can do it, one throw at a time.

Still, I feel far away today. I want to believe but I struggle with it. I am pissed about some money owed to me. I am upset about some jobs.... screw this...

I need to count blessings. One door closes and another one opens. God has a plan. The lord made this day. God is with me and gives me the strength I need to carry out his will. Like the blues Brothers, I am on a mission from God. I need to seek knowledge of his will and ask only for the power needed to carry it out.

Man, I am tired...and feel like crap from to much sugar.

Tomorrow is a new day and I can feel like crap and stay clean. This ain't a using matter. How is that for freedom..

tracking back more on the day, I exploded on my daughter. I over reacted and scared her. No wonder I feel like crap. I have to make amends in the morning.

If recovery has done anything for me it has made me slower to anger and quicker to forgive.

What else is draining me today?

The stuff I put off has put me off...Procrastination is just like masturbation, in the end your just screwing yourself.

I need sleep...this blog sucks but I am clean, so screw it. Let it suck.

G'night

Peace be with us

Pray for those who p's u off.

Send me some positive vibes as well.

The dopeless hope fiend.

aka for those google searchers - thedopelesshopefiend

Somedays I miss Punchin People

Ok, on the streets if you didn't like someones attitude or the way they acted, or if they just did something to piss you off, you laid a beating to them and felt better.

Today, that doesn't work. You have to 'talk things out' or worse, pray for some asshole!

I won't go into much details but I am praying for some people today.

Why Pray you might ask.

Well, the anger I have towards these people really only affects me. Not only are these people dominating my thoughts, and making my peacefulness leave me, but they are draining my energy. A waste of time over some issues that really don't matter in the thick of things.


The best thing I can do for myself is to accept them and pray that they are blessed. It needs to be real though, not just lip service. Letting go is an action and the reward is serenity. The choice is mine. Do I want to feel the anger, which is addictive and feels so powerful, or do I want to let go and be at peace.


Abe Lincoln once said; “Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." Praying helps re-set the mind and the thoughts. I want to be happy today. So I will pray for all those f'n aholes who piss me off until I stop calling them f'n aholes.


This may take a while


Peace,
The Dopeless Hope Fiend

How To Quit Drugs

Quiting Drugs is tough and it is imposable to do alone. What worked for me was going to 12 step meetings and getting involved. Lots of coffee and phone calls, lots of sex with other addicts (not recommended) and a lot of prayer and letting go.
Praying was hard for me to do and still is. I am the center of my own universe and to believe in a God doesn't work well with my ego. I am like some rich kid showing off, acting all self made, embarrassed at the fact that it's my dads glory, not mine, that made me rich.
With God, he did the miracles and was in the drivers seat for all the good things in my life. I like to take credit but without Gods work, I would be nowhere and have nothing good to show.

I know, coming off drugs and thinkin about living clean and doin right by God feels like your trying to push two magnets together. Its natural to repel and say, I will do it but without God. It's a normal fear. I was afraid I would become some goofball preacher Praising God to everyone and anyone. I would be a square, and so on.
For me, I can say that hasn't happened. I am a believer and a follower and I love my Higher Power but I aint no poster boy for the church. I ain't a f'n saint either, I aint washed clean. I have my issues after all, I am human.

I use to think that Christians thought they where perfect and I would hold them up to the light to find all their imperfections. It was as if by doing so, I would discredit their beliefs and Jesus Christ. How freaking dumb is that. We don't become perfect, we just become works in progress.
For me, recovery and my relationship with God is not freedom from the storm, it is just peace in the midst of the storm. If you want it, God is there for you, you can lean on him.

Meanwhile, getting clean involves some simple work. Go to meetings, lots of meetings and dont use in-between meetings. Don't worry about how you are right now, you are probably a mental and emotional mess. Just keep going to meetings, bring your body and eventually, your mind will follow.

You can do it. It's a simpler then you think. Once you get clean, you can rebuild your life better than before.

The Dopeless Hope Fiend

Stains The Soul

I think the hardest thing I have battled with is a feeling of worth. I do give, maybe not as well as I could or should, but I do give.
I have confidence as well, I aint some punk ass wimp who gets walked on and I have always stood my ground and fought my battles. Some with fists, some with words.
Power is something else though.
I am not afraid, and I feel as if I am forgiven for a lot of the things I've done.
So where does this shit stain come from?
I guess I really haven't worked the steps to the fullest. It's time to take inventory and make amends for some of the things I've done.
I wonder if all this nostalgia is because of facebook?
I have re-connected with a lot of old friends from my childhood. A long time ago, a lot of them thought I was dead or locked up for good.

Low self worth -
If your new, coming into recovery or thinking about it. The rest of your life is like living with bad plumbing. Your toilet gets backed up a lot and all that shit surfaces. It sucks at times...but even a bad day clean isn't really a bad day. You hear people say I wouldn't trade my worst day clean for my best day high and as f'd up as that sounds, it holds weight.

Using for me was like a derailment, you knew where it was going and you knew it was all gonna crash.
Being clean, is an unknown adventure, and page by page, this story changes and it seems to change for the better even when it feels like it's getting worse. Perhpas its just the spiritual principle of hope at work but it's real and it's cool. If you are in your first few days, have some hope.

My old sponsor told me something that stuck for life, he said "I've been through the worst, things can only get better" and I know what he means. No clean day, no matter how much pain or anger or anything I went through, nothing has ever compared to being at the end of my line when I was in active addiction.
Mark my words, if your clean today, the worst is over.


Peace for another 24
The Dopeless Hope Fiend

I Am An Addict

I've been clean, one day at a time for a decade now. My drug of choice was cocaine and I use to inject it. I lived on the streets, I committed crimes, I hurt a lot of people, I did a lot of dumbcrap and now, a decade later, who I am is a contrast to who I was. My life has been rebuilt. I am successful in business and marriage. I have a great family, hell, I have a great life. In hindsight, the journey here was short and simple. I didn't do anything special but I did turn my life around and it's better then I had thought possible.
If your suffering, don't worry, this too shall pass.

This blog I am starting tonight, is going to be broken English and scrambled thoughts.
An hour ago I wanted to gamble. I haven't gambled in years as I am addicted to that to.
An hour ago I wanted screw around. I have never been unfaithful in my 8 years of marriage but I use to cheat all the time in my old relationships.
An hour ago I wanted to escape, is what it comes down to.
Instead of giving in, I rode it out. The uncomfortable feelings stirred around inside as I drove home. It's been called a disease, addiction. I know it's more of a dis-ease. A dis-ease with self, with life. Acceptance is low today, it's been low all week. As a result, my dis-ease surfaces and damaging thoughts developed. I have learnt not to act on my thoughts, but to let them play out like a bad dream and try to wake myself up. My combat of the 'stinkin thinkin' Man, I hate that term ever since SNL , but my combat to it, was thinking...when I got home I would start a blog and maybe someone, someday would stumble here and find something to grab onto.
A straw of hope as we search for God in cyberland.
I believe in God, more then anything else...may as well get that clear.
The only thing that has kept me clean and changed my life for the better was my own personal relationship with a higher power. We don't need to go there now though, if you are like me, it takes a few miracles before you are comfortable with sharing about God in your life.

When I first cleaned up, I went to an AA meeting and someone there said they where looking for God. I could relate as he spoke. He said he was reading and talking and looking for God and finally he said that his sponsor told him
"God isn't lost, you are. Find yourself and you will find God."
After the meeting, I went home and prayed. I asked God to revel himself in my life.
What happened next is slightly un-f'n believable, but I swear it's true.

First, I need to take you back a couple of years before the night I prayed. I had a cheating, lying, drug addicted skank for a wife and we fought like cats and dogs and whenever I pissed her off, she would throw something at me.
It was always the closest thing to her and a lot of times, that turned out to be the remote control.
That TV flipper was tossed at me so many times that it developed a mind of it's own and would have a tendency to turn the TV on at random times, or change channels. I had to keep it in a drawer at night or it would turn the TV on and Blast the volume.
The point of the remote,
Well- picture this..
I am alone, left my ex - and now living in a small one room apartment with only a couple of days clean.
I am a mess.
I am praying for God to revel himself in my life.
Tears falling down my cheek.
I am in pain...
what happens next-
the TV turns on and flips to some station that I dont even get (ch 63 or something, my TV only went to 36 and I had no cable, only got on a good day three basic channels) anyways, it ends up on some remote channel and a man is on the TV, a preacher and he is saying at that exact moment
"son, you have to let Jesus into your heart" and he begins to pray for me

Now, I am all "what the "beep" is going on... "
I am saying my prayers to JC and asking him in...tv goes off again and I can't find the station no matter what I try.
It came and was gone but man, did I feel good.

Next day, I wake up excited and hit a nooner, after the meeting I am having an after coffee, I tell this guy who kinda took me under his wing, told him what happened..the bastard laughed at me and wrote it all off.
Explained how the Tv waves bounces off the high rises and blah blah blah and he convinced me it was no big deal and was just a coinincedence ?!?
I, of little faith and my mind was so weak, listened to him and wrote it off as well.
It wasn't till much later that I accepted it for the miracle it was.
Crazy eh.

anyways, enough ramblin for one night. I have been all over the map and it's only my first post.
I don't know where this blog will take me or how it will end but you are invited for the ride.
Feel free to share as we travel this road.

Just another day with the Dopeless Hope Fiend
Peace for another 24

PS
I love music, and here is the song of the day :)
Source Deadwood soundtrack